All New Short Poems!!!

Hey there,

Since I haven't done some in a while I thought I'd do some more short poems and put them here (on my blog)

Enjoy.

33. ‘That’s crazy,’ said Xavier. ‘I know,’ replied Colin, swallowing the last of the goose down, ‘I know.’

34. The ‘Go Compare’ guy stumbles home; pissed as fuck; disgracing his family name. His family name is Shit.

35. A fox with springs for feet, sprints across the path, being chased by three ducks with beaks made of lasers! Ah, what a Christmas that was.

36. Dark, dark, dark. The night. When it’s dark.

37. The moth flew in through the open window. Flapping. Flopping. ‘Vile fucking creature!’ exclaimed Nigel, whose room it was. Flapping. Flopping.

38. He was, to put it simply, gargantuan.

39. Digging around, snuffling for truffles. Please stop, mum.

40. Todd bit Carly and gave her malaria.

41. No signal. No licence. His girlfriend, gone, no note. No money. Not a friend in the world. And all this on September 11th.

42. Shit squirted into his eye. That’ll stain, he thought, peevishly.

43. ‘Well, I’ve found the problem,’ stated Dr. Johnston, coolly, ‘His, er, yeah, his bones were made of nougat.’

44. Keith Chegwin’s tiny cock, flaps briskly in the wind. Cheggers himself has been long dead.

45. ‘Come on, love, just a quick flash of those tits,’ squealed Phillip. ‘I can still have you beheaded you know, dear,’ snapped the Queen.



That'll do, pig. That'll do.

On The Folly Of Celebrity

Yeah, that's right, I'm taking on one of the biggest topics in our modern world, the topic of celebrity. I'm taking down the heavyweights. I'm nailing my colours to the mast as to what I think of 'celebritydom'. I'm sure you'll see my point. This is mainly because I just watched the entire video to 'Thriller'. You should understand the rest.

Steve Wright Meets Phillip Seymour-Hoffman

So Steve Wright, right? He’s this bloke I know,
Is introduced to this other bloke,
Whose name
Is Phillip Seymour-Hoffman.
‘Wow,’ says Steve, ‘As in the Phillip Seymour-Hoffman?’
Calmly, sagely, comes the reply:
‘No, I’m not that Phillip Seymour-Hoffman.’
‘I’m sorry, man, I really am, I bet you get that all the time.’
‘Not really. I mean,
I’m not that Phillip Seymour-Hoffman.’
‘I get you, man, I totally do,
It’s like the other day, I saw this dude,
And I swear it was Michael fucking Jackson.
So I go up to him, in the pub,
He had just ordered himself a Bud,
I said “Mate, are you the , Michael Jackson?”
And he looked at me, looked me up and down,
And said “No mate. Although I get where you’re coming from.”
My interest piqued I says to him “How’d’ya mean?”
“I mean, yes, I look like Michael Jackson,
And, yes, I dress like Michael Jackson,
And, yes, I speak like Michael Jackson,
But I’m just not Michael Jackson.
I mean, for a start, I’m still alive,
For a start, I’m fifty-five,
And, I mean, hey, I’m not the crown Prince of Pop.
For another, I just spent three fifty-five on Bud,
And I’m in this dive, what else?
Oh yeah, my name’s not Michael Jackson.”
“Well what is it?”
“It’s Michael Jordan.”
“Woooowwww,” says I, eyes well wide “As in the Michael Jordan?”
At this point Michael Jordan sighed, and turned aside, picked up his pint,
And walked off.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’ Asks Phillip Seymour-Hoffman
‘Well,’ says Steve Wright, ‘I mean I get it all the time,
“I’m Steve Wright”
“As in the Steve Wright?”
“As in a Steve Wright.”
I mean it’s alright, right?
But right, I’m sure you don’t know Steve Wright.
Being a burning, shining bright Hollywood star such as you.’
And Phillip Seymour-Hoffman sighs, and turns aside, picks up his pint,
And walks off.

You know what I'm talking about.

Bye.